Jokes on them. I took 10.
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The dark side of Canada
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?