What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David