“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha