Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.