While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
me and my fake scenarios
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…