My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
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Time for evil
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
he was correct
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat