if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“i miss shittin on people”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.