The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park