Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”