Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit