[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”