Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.