°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese