dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
You Might Also Like
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.