I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
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I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’ll be mad as hell!
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.