Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
You Might Also Like
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
The point of your 20s
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it