COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today