*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.