Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”