My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?