*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
huge if true: the moon
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.