[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
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I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.