My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.