Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I was up all night reading about insomnia