Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“I FIXED IT!”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.