Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.