someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
selena gomez
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Monday
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy