Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth