Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.