[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
You Might Also Like
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t