Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.