Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.