King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I think I’ll stand
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.