how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Just a reminder, folks:
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.