OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You Might Also Like
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I remember when things only cost an arm.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Don’t tell me what to do
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.