I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I feel seen
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope