I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
You Might Also Like
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
grotesque if literal: baby food
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Donkey Kong sommelier
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.