My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
You Might Also Like
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
The news
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.