HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”