If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Sign of the day..
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.