“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
You Might Also Like
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
😂😂
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Is this a threat?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?