cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.