The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead