I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
How actors in movies eat their food
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Life hack
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire