me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
when you are just born a rebel
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”