*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Straight people are cancelled