Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water