Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
mom gave me mine for free
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.