DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
2022: I can fix it
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!