She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You Might Also Like
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Ah..makes sense now
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.